March 11, 2000 – Middle of the Night Blues

  The lights are off and I have been lying in bed for hours. Dawn is only a few hours away and sleep continues to elude me.  My tears dried up hours ago, but the aching in my heart continues. I decided to write Bryce a poem:

 “I gave you my heart,

You should have guarded it as though it were your very own,

But you were reckless with it, and

Intentionally caused it pain.

I gave you my heart

the responsibility belonged to you to care for it

never open it up or expose it

or give others the opportunity to pierce it.

I gave you my heart

upon your honor I expected you to protect it.

Encourage it, nurture it, strengthen it,

but never neglect it.

I gave you my heart,

You didn’t hold onto it even though you selected it.

Never give another rights to it

only love and treasure it.”

  Isn’t this supposed to be what love does? Is this not what love is?  Do I live under false illusions? Have I fallen prey to unrealistic expectations?  Will I ever find love?

  My marriage is over…