Tonight, I plan to party! To celebrate Dionne’s birthday, albeit belatedly, we are going to dinner and later Salsa dancing. Unlike Dionne, the rest of us are Salsa virgins – in typical Dionne fashion, it’s her birthday and she wants to outshine us. With three months of lessons under her belt and numerous trips to various salsa clubs Dionne plans to dance circles around us and obliterate any competition for meeting men – not that I am looking.
Presently, I need a man like I need a hole in the head. All of my needs can be summarized into two basic categories…Sex and Capital. Yes, I sound like a bitter woman, but what the hell; at least I recognize the signs. After Bryce, why would I want to date another guy and ultimately end up in another bad marriage?
Although, dating for money is one alternative. Considering Bryce has left me high and dry with the responsibility for paying all of the bills, let me remind you, all of the bills we once paid as a double income couple – I am always budgeting down to my last dollar. I could enjoy dating a man with a little excess cash to share. That way, if my car needs a tune-up, my furnace dies, or my long distance bill is too high, I could call Mr. Capital for a cash advance without the responsibility for repayment. Okay, Okay, okay – I know I am deluding myself. I could never date a man strictly for money; it looks and feels too much like prostitution. Payment is always inevitable – either in sex or cash.
Dating for the sole purpose of sex is another possibility – men do it all of the time. While the thought gives me some perverse satisfaction, I am not capable of doing this either. I’d end up falling in love with a man that I knew nothing about, but the size of his dick. MEN! Uugghh!
Another reason why I am not looking for a man tonight is because men are like the prize inside a “Cracker Jack” box. You never know what you are actually getting. Men pretend to be perfect gentlemen when you first meet them. They take you out to dinner, they buy you flowers, they compliment you, and generally make you feel good about yourself. The real crafty ones will engage you in conversation, listen to your thoughts, and even share their emotions. On the surface, they appear to be the monogamous marrying type. The problem – it’s not real. Not real at all, more like a facade, a phony, a sham! They are after one thing and one thing only…the coochie! That’s right, I’ll say it again…the C-O-O-C-H-I-E! In addition, the real devious ones are looking for a sugar mama with good coochie! Men know a sugar mama when they see one… nice woman, with an excellent job, high salary, great credit, and benefits who is looking for a man and doesn’t mind sharing the wealth OR the coochie.
Therefore, if I manage to get a man to look at me after he’s seen Dionne, I figure we can intermittently dance and grind all night. As far as I am concerned, men cannot be trusted for more than sex and sometimes even that is suspect. But for tonight, my thoughts will be focused on dancing and grinding…dancing and grinding. What’s wrong with a little self-satisfaction through sexual gratification if limited to near orgasms on the dance floor?
I need to run to the mall to purchase something sexy to wear…