Bitter Ex-Wives & Other Freaks of Nature

Being the new wife takes on a new demension when the EX won’t let go. My true story…

March 24, 2000 – Monster-In-Law July 31, 2007

Filed under: bitterness,divorce,family,life,mother-in-law — bitterexwives @ 3:46 pm

  This morning I rose and made a resolution.  Call it a New Day Resolution…I was going to be happy today.  I purposed to think happy thoughts and to cry as little as possible, which so far has decreased to twice a day!

  I picked out the cutest outfit – black fitted pants from Express with the matching fitted vest made of some bizarre stretchy but chic material.  You know, Destiny’s Child tight not Alice from Mel’s Diner tight.  To finish my ensemble, I included a long sleeve fitted t-shirt and chunky wedge heels from Nine West.  I was sexy and probably dressed more appropriately for the club instead of work. What the hell – I was cute and my boobs weren’t showing!  When the guys working in the parking garage at work paid me a little extra attention, I was convinced my outfit was the right choice.  I actually felt good about myself.

  With a productive morning behind me and no tears shed, I was on cloud nine and ready for lunch. Then my phone rang – office phone, not a cell phone, because I am too cheap to incur the expense. Considering I had not heard from Bryce in a week, I was quite surprised to hear his voice on the other end.

  “Angel, I don’t have a lot of time to talk. I need to schedule a time for my mother to pick up the rest of my furniture.  She is going to ship it to me.”

  Bryce and I previously agreed that I would keep the living room furniture and he would keep the family room furniture. We purchased the furniture prior to our dating and subsequent marriage.  I had no qualms about that. Actually, I was gloating a little.  Bryce was incurring this additional expense because I changed the locks when I discovered he was sneaking in to remove his personal items.  Not wanting to face me, Bryce moved to California with nothing other than the clothes on his back. So, I responded…

  “No problem.  Just tell her to call me to schedule a time. Is that all?”

  “Actually, no.  My mother also wants you to return the bedroom furniture she gave us.  She wants to keep it in the family.  She will pick everything up on the same day.”

  “What the hell! Bryce, are you telling me that your mother is going to take my bedroom furniture?  She is not allowed to be an Indian-giver! You and I did not agree to that”

  “Angel, she did give it to us and it has been in our family for years.”

  “Yes, but your mother was looking for someone to give it to. It was a gift! Honestly, it’s not as if she gave us expensive antique furniture.  She’ll probably put it in the basement with all of the other shit she has stockpiled.”

  “Angel, she wants the furniture back, so you need to give it to her.  She only gave it to us because of me and now that we are getting a divorce, she wants it back.  Just make sure the bedroom furniture is with the family room furniture when my mother comes.  All of it – the bed, mattress, dresser, chest of drawers – all of it.”

 “Your mother will get both sets of furniture when I damn well feel like giving it to her.  If I have to spend thousands of dollars to purchase nice bedroom furniture so I can have a place to sleep, then I will do so when the time is right for ME!  Considering neither you nor your mother is offering financial assistance for this new furniture, an expense I might add that is not part of my budget, you will have to wait. You know Bryce, what really pisses me off is that after all you have taken me through, the least you could do is stand up to your mother and tell her No.”

 “Fine! Just call me when she can pick up the furniture.”

I don’t know if I am feeling sentimental, stubborn, or righteous indignation, but who in the hell picks up the phone to say, ‘I know I gave you that bed, but now that you are getting a divorce, I want it back.’ Who does that kind of thing? I was so upset; I wanted to spit on my mother-in-law.

  Okay, time for lunch, I need to cry. Today has turned into a very bad day.

Advertisements
 

March 23, 2000 – Overwhelmed July 28, 2007

Filed under: divorce,life,marital counseling,memories,psychologist — bitterexwives @ 6:07 pm

  It is Thursday night and I feel overwhelmed and out of sorts!  Since my resolution last week, I attended dance practice on Monday; missed class on Tuesday, but spent hours with my attorney; and attended dance practice on Wednesday.  It is now Thursday and I actually went into work early, so that I could make it to my 4:30 appointment with Dr. Ellis and leave in enough time to make it to class at 6:30.  I will work hard to maintain my 3.6 GPA, but at the end of this quarter, I am done with school.  It is simply too difficult for me to juggle class and homework, work fulltime, attend weekly counseling sessions with Dr. Ellis, show up for dance practice, and attend appointments with Janice.  

  My session with Dr. Ellis was emotionally disturbing.  The topic this evening was about the counseling sessions Bryce and I attended immediately preceding our separation.  I recognize now, that it was my last ditch effort to keep him – we should have sought counseling at least a year before that.  I think one of the mistakes we made when selecting a counselor was that we selected our pastor and his wife. Even though Bryce went without me browbeating him, the minute we stepped into their home office, he immediately shut down.  In hindsight, I think being counseled by someone unknown to either of us might have been more beneficial. 

  Dr. Ellis asked about the state of our marriage and the events that precipitated us seeking marital counseling.  This was a very painful conversation – but necessary, I suppose.  I explained to Dr. Ellis, that Bryce and I used to do everything together.  We worked out together and went out on dates – dinner, movies, etc. on a regular basis.  We spent time with friends and even hosted Bible Studies within our home.  We shared our dreams with one another – goals, aspirations, business ideas, travel desires.  Both of us were close to our families so we always made time to spend with them as well. Then something changed.

  Bryce’s desire to enjoy sexual intimacy began to wane and then right around our third anniversary Bryce began establishing new friendships that did not include me.  He started hanging out every weekend with these “new friends” and participating in activities and functions that did not include me.  Initially, I was not bothered by these newfound relationships, I had girlfriends of my own and at least once occasionally twice a week we had our own activities like “girl’s night out” or book club meetings.  Bryce also had band rehearsal where I had dance practice – but the weekends were special to me.  They were reserved just for us – in part due to Bryce’s hectic work schedule during the week. 

  Bryce’s separate activities continued for about two months before I finally said something to him.

  “Bryce, I understand that you want to hang out with your friends, but do you realize that in the last two months, not one weekend has been spent with me?”

  “What are you talking about? I do spend time with you.”

  “Bryce, we always spend the weekends together because of your work schedule.  Last weekend, you got off work late on Friday; you hung out with the guys during the day on Saturday and went to the movie theatre that night; we attended church Sunday morning and you had band practice that afternoon. The weekend before that was identical, except you spent Saturday at a cookout and card party that night.  The weekend before that the same, except Saturday you went to breakfast, worked out during the afternoon, and went to a house party that night.  Again the weekend before that was the same, except that Saturday you were driving around with one of your guy friends to help him find a new condo during the day and that night…hell I can’t remember that night.”

  “Angel, stop trying to control me.  I am a grown man and I can have friends of my own and spend time with other people.  I don’t have to spend all of my time with you.”

  “No one is trying to control you; this is about quality time spent between you and me.  You know your work schedule during the week is demanding and that you often don’t get home until 8:00 even 9:00 o’clock at night.  Prioritization…that is all I ask.  Some weekends you can continue to hang out with the guys, but some weekends should be reserved for me. It is not too much to ask.”

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  The next couple of months Bryce made an effort to split his weekends with me and the guys and I honestly had no complaints.  That is not about us spending quality time together – our sexual relationship was getting worse.   It really seemed like Bryce was trying to balance his time. That is until I caught him in a lie.

  Normally on Monday nights, Bryce would leave work and go straight to band practice.  He usually arrived home around 10:00 p.m. This was not a problem because I had dance practice from 6:30 to 8:30.  I always came home showered and cooked dinner. Well one particular Monday night, Bryce called home to say that practice was going to run late so I should go ahead and eat dinner without him – he would eat when he arrived home around 11:00.  If practice was much later, he would skip dinner altogether and take his plate to work for lunch the following day. With that established, I ate dinner, finished some homework and took advantage of the opportunity to go to bed early.

  The following Wednesday after dance practice, I decided to throw a load of laundry into the washer while I studied.  When I picked up Bryce’s pants to empty the pockets, like normal, I found a dessert receipt – for two – at TGI Friday’s. No big deal except it was for Monday night at 11:00 p.m.! Bryce said he was at band practice.  Why did he lie? Wait a minute!  Who the hell was he with?

  I explained to Dr. Ellis that this became the first of many incidents that landed us in counseling with our pastor.  After telling the story, I was shaking with anger. Dr. Ellis and I continued to talk long after the session ended.  By the time I left it was 6:00 o’clock!  Traffic was bad and I was late for class. 

  Re-hashing our marriage put me in a funk! I had difficulty focusing on the instructor and by the time class was over I wanted to call Bryce and cuss his ass out!  But guess what…I couldn’t because he still refuses to give me his phone number.  I am stewing in my anger with no opportunity for release.  I desperately need sex!

 

March 22, 2000 – Court Filings

Filed under: attorney,divorce,legal proceedings,life — bitterexwives @ 4:36 pm

  It is official – Darlene from Janice’s office called to confirm that my Answer to Bryce’s Complaint for Divorce was filed this afternoon.  The first hearing, a Property Hearing, is scheduled for April 25, 2000 – a letter with all of the details will be sent to me for my records. Before I could stop it, a sigh escaped from my lips. A month is long time to wait for the first of many hearings.  If this is any indication of the rate of speed at which the court system moves, this process could drag on forever.  We don’t even have children! Naturally, I verbalized this to Darlene who reminded me that a court dates are scheduled based upon the caseload within the court system as well as the attorney’s schedules.  Within my head I was screaming, “I know that, you idiot!” but I politely stated, “I understand, thank you for calling.” and disconnected the line.  I suppose things could be worse.

 

March 21, 2000 – Janice Thompson, Attorney At Law July 27, 2007

Filed under: attorney,divorce,fashion,life,love — bitterexwives @ 8:48 pm

  The appointment with Janice, yes we are on a first name basis, was significantly less traumatic than the appointment with Dr. Ellis. Establishing a sense of control has its benefits – partial restoration of my self-esteem and self-confidence being the top two.  For the past four months, I unknowingly surrendered control of my life to Bryce.  Conversations were had at his convenience, time spent together was coordinated at his discretion, the state of our marriage was dictated by his desire to remain faithful or not, even my financial situation was based upon whether Bryce felt inclined to send his portion of our joint financial obligations.  Emotionally, financially, and spiritually I had become dependent upon Bryce. Well not anymore!

  Janice’s office is located on the outskirts of downtown Indianapolis, which is conveniently less than a 10-minute commute from my office.  Armed with our entire marital financial history, I walked into Janice’s office with a renewed confidence and greeted Darlene, the legal secretary/paralegal.  The waiting area was beautifully decorated by someone with great taste.  The burgundy leather sofa and wing back chairs with brass studs were stereotypical attorney furniture yet spoke of high quality.  While the furniture carried a masculine feel, the room was softened by a large floral arrangement displayed upon an ornately carved pedestal.  Strategically placed throughout the room were floral oil paintings, small bric-a-brac, and an eclectic selection of magazines that boasted a definite feminine presence.  Only a woman or gay man pays that much attention to detail and placement. Instinctively, I knew I was going to like Janice. 

  Within minutes, Darlene showed me into Janice’s personal conference room.  The waiting room wasn’t a facade for a shabby and dilapidated office space – the hand of the decorating genius apparently extended to every room I passed, which included the library, bathroom, main conference room and the attorney’s personal offices.  I know you should never judge a book by its cover or the integrity of a woman by her Manolo Blahniks, but I was impressed.  To be truthful, I couldn’t wait to meet Janice in person!  It is shameful I know, but I was really hoping she would enter the conference room in a flourish wearing a Donna Karen suit, Jimmy Choo stilettos, and flaunting amazing hair. Yes, at times, I am shallow – but I can’t help it, I love fashion!

  At exactly 5:30, Janice entered the conference room and she did not disappoint the fashion aficionado living within me. That is until I looked at her hair!  Aaagghhhh! My mission, now that I have chosen to accept it – for the Mission Impossible fans like myself – is to make sure Janice switches to my hair salon, preferably my stylist by the end of my divorce.  After introductions, Janice sat at the conference table and grilled me for 30 minutes about my courtship and marriage to Bryce, our current separation, and impending divorce. Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, holding back the tears was impossible.  Janice whipped out a Kleenex from her hidden stash and consoled me, but kept the dialog going – which at a $150 dollars an hours for her services I was appreciative.

  By 7:30, all of the paperwork was completed and ready for Darlene to type.  I was digging in my purse for my checkbook to pay the first $500 dollar installment towards Janice’s $1500 retainer fee. Pissed does not accurately describe my feelings toward Bryce for causing my continued financial demise. He is such an ass!

  In any case, Janice scheduled an appointment for me to return tomorrow at noon. The final paperwork will be ready for my signature and Darlene will file everything with the Domestic Relations Court. I am actually getting divorced. 

 

March 20, 2000 – Hiring An Attorney July 26, 2007

Filed under: attorney,divorce,life — bitterexwives @ 3:13 am

  Facing reality is necessary, even for those of us who have hidden ourselves in a cloud of delusion.  While I may not want a divorce, the fact still remains that Bryce has filed a Complaint for Divorce.  Doing nothing is not in my best interest nor in my nature.  With my first court date looming in the distant future, hiring an attorney is inevitable in this matter.  I refuse to allow Bryce to take advantage of me any longer.

  This was the first time I ever hired an attorney.  Therefore, my search began with contacting my close friends and trusted colleagues, even my mother who officially was working towards her third marriage. At this point any level of experience was better than my experience, which equated to None. In the end I decided to contact Janice Thompson, an attorney referred to me by Dr. Ellis. Why I asked his advice, I don’t really know. I guess I figured it wouldn’t hurt considering his vast experience counseling men and women going through seperation and divorce.

  The phone call to Mrs. Thompson, was actually rather uneventful.  My initial hesitation over completing this undesirable task, was quickly eliminated by her pleasant yet efficient manner.  It was fortunate that I was able to speak directly to Mrs. Thompson, as I quickly learned that most of her time during normal working hours is spent in Court representing clients.  Within 20 minutes I learned that she was in private practice, but sharing office space with one other attorney.  Although a relatively “new” attorney – meaning she had been practicing about five years, Mrs. Thompson was known for her tenacity in the Courtroom, her desire to obtain equitable footing for her clients, as well as her compassion.  Also, her willingness to put me on a payment plan for payment of her retainer tipped the scales in her favor. I am damn near broke! At the end of our conversation, I had an appointment for tomorrow.

  Apparently, I only have a certain number of days from the receipt of the Complaint for Divorce to file a response, also known as an Answer.  In a previous life I worked in the legal field and knew that Mrs. Thompson, had to prepare a great deal of paperwork on my behalf. There goes a quiet evening…I am supposed to bring the Complaint for Divorce; bank statements; insurance policies; retirement plans, health insurance information; W2’s; tax returns, credit card statments and statements for other debts; household expenses i.e. gas and electric bills, water bills, etc.; mortgage statements; loan statements; stock certificates and the list goes on and on and on and on. 

  This ought to be fun!

  Oh yeah, I almost forgot! I attended dance practice!

 

March 17, 2000 – Living July 24, 2007

Filed under: divorce,healing,life,psychologist — bitterexwives @ 1:05 pm

  Parting wisdom from the mouth of Dr. Ellis: 

 “In the midst of emotional turmoil you need to maintain a sense of normalcy.  Your separation and divorce represent a significant change in your life – let that be the only major change. Even though it may be difficult, it is important that you continue to do the things that were a part of your normal routine.”

  With a renewed determination, I awoke a little earlier this morning with the sole purpose of outlining my “normal” routine. My focus for the last three almost four months following Bryce’s evacuation from our home has been on Bryce, our marriage, and Margo.  Today, I plan to focus on me – restoring my schedule and remembering the things I enjoy doing solely for me.

  My Schedule:

  1. Monday and Wednesday – Return to Dance Practice. Dancing and performing with my hip-hop dance troupe seemed trivial in light of my impending divorce. My love for dance had begun to wane when overcome with depression.
  2. Tuesday and Thursday – Attend classes regularly. Working on my Masters Degree had taken a back seat to working on my marriage.
  3. Friday – hang out with my girlfriends. I could barely get out of bed let alone motivate myself to get cute and go out to have fun.
  4. Saturday – Book Club. Reading is my passion – yet my lack of passion for life decreased the pleasure I had always known when reading a book.
  5. Sunday – Attend church service.  The one thing I had been able to continue doing, albeit grudgingly. I was embarrassed to go to church.  I didn’t want those gossiping ninnies to know that I couldn’t satisfy or keep a man nor could I deal with the incessant questions about Bryce.  They are so nosey – they bombard me with questions every time I walk through the door.  “Where’s Bryce?” “Is he going to be here today?” “We haven’t seen him in a while, is he okay?” Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah! No, I haven’t told anyone that we are separated and divorcing except my Pastor and best girlfriends.  Bryce and I attended faithfully before and during our marriage as well as participated in many church sponsored events – I just could not face them or the disappointment I knew they all felt when they saw me. I won’t get into details right now, but secretly I have been holding a grudge against God, because of this divorce.  As I am unable to deal with this moral dilemma, it goes back under the rug for a while.

  Now onto things I love to do:

  1. Dancing
  2. Writing
  3. Reading
  4. Spending time with God in meditation and prayer/praise and worship
  5. Spending time with my girlfriends
  6. Shopping

  With my lists completed, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. Instead of burdened, relieved. Starting Monday, I am going to try to live again – with or without Bryce.

 

March 16, 2000 (Evening) – Dr. Ellis July 23, 2007

Filed under: divorce,healing,life,psychologist — bitterexwives @ 6:29 pm

  Let’s just say that I kept my appointment with Dr. Ellis and I lived to tell about it. He is truly the nicest man; I think we were meant to be together – don’t get it twisted; I am talking from a professional perspective only. Even though I call Celeste and Abigail daily to moan and cry, rant and rave, and attempt to regain my sanity, I always feel like I am bothering them. I have been so whiny and down on men – those no good bastards, that if I were either Abigail or Celeste, even I would not want to talk to me. I need to do something nice for them; I’ll just catalog that for future ideas the next time I am at the mall.  However, Dr. Ellis is another story – he listened to me and I didn’t feel like I was getting on his nerves.

  When I walked into his office, 15 minutes early as requested by Dr. Ellis, I finally met Ms. Secretary/Receptionist. The office furnishings – leather furniture, dark wood trimming, plush burgundy carpet, impressed me, but I sure as hell didn’t like her. Why? I have unresolved issues.  I’ll try harder next time to be a bit nicer, unfortunately for her, I was just resentful that another person, a stranger, would be privy to my misery. I am still so embarrassed about the fact that I am getting divorced – I feel like a failure, therefore, the less people that need to know about by shortcomings, the better. While sitting in the waiting area, I tried to shrink inside myself every time the door opened to admit another patient. Dr. Ellis’s practice has three other psychologists. I didn’t realize this little fact when I made the appointment. Chances are I would have cancelled my appointment, if I had known. I would have died if someone recognized me, or God forbid asked me why I was there or who I was going to see.  The scandal! Fortunately, Dr. Ellis was on schedule and for one moment I liked Ms. Secretary/Receptionist because she ushered me out of the waiting area and into the sanctuary of his office.

  Once inside Dr. Ellis’ Office, I immediately felt at home amidst the bookshelf lined walls, comfortable furniture, and the thousands of books that protruded from every nook and cranny of the office.  There was even bric-a-brac placed throughout the office – not with a feminine flair but in more of an ‘I’m a man and not quite sure what I should do with this stuff’ kind of way. The lights were soft and I felt overwhelmed by the cozy yet slightly disheveled environment. Instantly I knew I would like him.

  Ms. Secretary/Receptionist directed me to sit wherever I felt most comfortable.  I decided on the overstuffed, brown leather chair, next to the end table with tissues. Just a premonition…but the best of all choices. Within minutes, Dr. Ellis entered. Surprisingly he was an older gentleman, approximately 20 years my senior, sitting in a wheelchair.  It was easy to see why he was so widely respected.  Dr. Ellis personafied a quiet intelligence yet peered through his glasses with the the kindest and most compassionate eyes. I was moved to tell him all of my problems – I wanted to share my deepest insecurities and greatest fears. Of course I didn’t, my reasons for being there were bad enough; I didn’t want to give him any reason to think I was a nut. 

  Once seated across from me, Dr. Ellis introduced himself and asked if we could begin our session with prayer. When I acknowledged in the affirmative, he took my hands, bowed his head, and began to pray…

“Father, we come before you on this day, asking that you make your presence known. Bring comfort to Angel now as she opens her heart to discuss the things that are burdening her. In Jesus’ name we pray…Amen.”

 I was stunned, perplexed, and dismayed. I was thankful for the prayer, but I was so angry – even though not in my nature, I wanted to curse and yell and scream! Was I now prohibited from doing so in the face of the “holy” man? Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!  Dr. Ellis must have seen the look on my face and the change in my demeanor, he quickly reassured me that the prayer was to bring comfort, wisdom, and peace – not to prohibit me from discussing whatever was on my heart.  Then he asked me why I had come to see him.

  For the first few minutes, I sat speechless.  All day I prepared mentally for this session – what I would say? How I would say it? etc., but when faced with the question, I didn’t know where to begin. So I blurted it out…

  “My husband, Bryce, left me.  He filed for divorce and moved away with another woman.  I desperately, want to save my marriage, but don’t know how.  For three months, I have walked around in a daze torn between wanting to kill him, crying over my pathetic life, and wanting to kill myself.  I am at the end of my rope and have exhausted everything that I know to do.  I am here because, I don’t trust anyone, let alone myself, to make decisions in my life. Honestly, I don’t think I can go on.”

  “WOW! You have a lot going on. With all that emotion pent up inside, I don’t know how, you managed to not cry.”

  “I don’t like crying in front of other people.  I don’t like to be weak.”

  “In order for you to heal you have to cry.  You will have to feel every emotion no matter how painful. Do you realize that out of the top 10 most stressful life events, you are suffering from number two – divorce and number three – marital seperation? The number one stressful life event is death of a spouse and because the death of a spouse and divorce have some common characteristics like, the ‘death’ of the relationship and seperation from the one you love, these two life events are often reversed based upon who you ask.”

  “So I am not crazy for being miserable?”

  “Not in the least bit. Actually, your thoughts and feelings are normal; however, we don’t want you to remain in this depressed state.  While your feelings may be normal it is not healthy for you to remain this way for an extended period. How often do you think about killing yourself?”

  “Whenever I think about Bryce making love to Margo.  Whenever, I think about the fact that I cannot do anything to make him love me.  Whenever, I acknowledge that our marriage is over.”

  “Are there any particular times of the day when your feelings are stronger than others?”

  “Yes, at night when I am alone.”

  “Angel, I have some recommendations for you…”

  It was then that we truly began to talk and I cried like a baby. But when I left Dr. Ellis’s office – two hours later, for the first time, I felt like I could make it through this ordeal.”