Bitter Ex-Wives & Other Freaks of Nature

Being the new wife takes on a new demension when the EX won’t let go. My true story…

March 30, 2000 (Late Afternoon) – More Counseling August 17, 2007

Filed under: bitterness,divorce,life,psychologist — bitterexwives @ 2:44 am

  “Angel, how are you this evening?”

  “I’m okay Dr. Ellis, I guess. Still extremely pissed at Bryce for forcing me into this divorce situation.  I feel that he has wasted these last four years of my life – dating, engagement, and marriage.  Four years that I will never be able to reclaim.  I feel like a test dummy.”

  “Okay have you had any successes this week?”

  “Yes.  I haven’t thought about killing myself and I only cry about once a day.”

  “That’s good. Let’s start today by discussing…”

  Dammit! I cried again today while in counseling.  I said I wasn’t going to cry, but the harder I try not to, the easier the tears fill my eyes and spill over. Things are definitely getting better, but as much as I hate him, I cannot imagine not loving Bryce.  How do you turn your feelings off and on? I wish someone could tell me, because I have yet to master my emotional faucet.  Honestly, I do not believe that I am capable of deciding that I don’t love someone.  Tell you to “kiss my ass” and not like you anymore – absolutely! But to simply decide…”I don’t love you anymore.” – impossible.  My love runs too deep – I’m probably a borderline stalker. Maybe that’s why Bryce left me.

  As I left counseling this evening, with puffy red eyes and nasal congestion, I began to question myself.  Is it possible to love too hard? To love too much?  To give of oneself too completely?

  The best thing to do is table that train of thinking.  At this point in time, going to class is my top priority – Celeste and I can discuss later.

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March 23, 2000 – Overwhelmed July 28, 2007

Filed under: divorce,life,marital counseling,memories,psychologist — bitterexwives @ 6:07 pm

  It is Thursday night and I feel overwhelmed and out of sorts!  Since my resolution last week, I attended dance practice on Monday; missed class on Tuesday, but spent hours with my attorney; and attended dance practice on Wednesday.  It is now Thursday and I actually went into work early, so that I could make it to my 4:30 appointment with Dr. Ellis and leave in enough time to make it to class at 6:30.  I will work hard to maintain my 3.6 GPA, but at the end of this quarter, I am done with school.  It is simply too difficult for me to juggle class and homework, work fulltime, attend weekly counseling sessions with Dr. Ellis, show up for dance practice, and attend appointments with Janice.  

  My session with Dr. Ellis was emotionally disturbing.  The topic this evening was about the counseling sessions Bryce and I attended immediately preceding our separation.  I recognize now, that it was my last ditch effort to keep him – we should have sought counseling at least a year before that.  I think one of the mistakes we made when selecting a counselor was that we selected our pastor and his wife. Even though Bryce went without me browbeating him, the minute we stepped into their home office, he immediately shut down.  In hindsight, I think being counseled by someone unknown to either of us might have been more beneficial. 

  Dr. Ellis asked about the state of our marriage and the events that precipitated us seeking marital counseling.  This was a very painful conversation – but necessary, I suppose.  I explained to Dr. Ellis, that Bryce and I used to do everything together.  We worked out together and went out on dates – dinner, movies, etc. on a regular basis.  We spent time with friends and even hosted Bible Studies within our home.  We shared our dreams with one another – goals, aspirations, business ideas, travel desires.  Both of us were close to our families so we always made time to spend with them as well. Then something changed.

  Bryce’s desire to enjoy sexual intimacy began to wane and then right around our third anniversary Bryce began establishing new friendships that did not include me.  He started hanging out every weekend with these “new friends” and participating in activities and functions that did not include me.  Initially, I was not bothered by these newfound relationships, I had girlfriends of my own and at least once occasionally twice a week we had our own activities like “girl’s night out” or book club meetings.  Bryce also had band rehearsal where I had dance practice – but the weekends were special to me.  They were reserved just for us – in part due to Bryce’s hectic work schedule during the week. 

  Bryce’s separate activities continued for about two months before I finally said something to him.

  “Bryce, I understand that you want to hang out with your friends, but do you realize that in the last two months, not one weekend has been spent with me?”

  “What are you talking about? I do spend time with you.”

  “Bryce, we always spend the weekends together because of your work schedule.  Last weekend, you got off work late on Friday; you hung out with the guys during the day on Saturday and went to the movie theatre that night; we attended church Sunday morning and you had band practice that afternoon. The weekend before that was identical, except you spent Saturday at a cookout and card party that night.  The weekend before that the same, except Saturday you went to breakfast, worked out during the afternoon, and went to a house party that night.  Again the weekend before that was the same, except that Saturday you were driving around with one of your guy friends to help him find a new condo during the day and that night…hell I can’t remember that night.”

  “Angel, stop trying to control me.  I am a grown man and I can have friends of my own and spend time with other people.  I don’t have to spend all of my time with you.”

  “No one is trying to control you; this is about quality time spent between you and me.  You know your work schedule during the week is demanding and that you often don’t get home until 8:00 even 9:00 o’clock at night.  Prioritization…that is all I ask.  Some weekends you can continue to hang out with the guys, but some weekends should be reserved for me. It is not too much to ask.”

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  The next couple of months Bryce made an effort to split his weekends with me and the guys and I honestly had no complaints.  That is not about us spending quality time together – our sexual relationship was getting worse.   It really seemed like Bryce was trying to balance his time. That is until I caught him in a lie.

  Normally on Monday nights, Bryce would leave work and go straight to band practice.  He usually arrived home around 10:00 p.m. This was not a problem because I had dance practice from 6:30 to 8:30.  I always came home showered and cooked dinner. Well one particular Monday night, Bryce called home to say that practice was going to run late so I should go ahead and eat dinner without him – he would eat when he arrived home around 11:00.  If practice was much later, he would skip dinner altogether and take his plate to work for lunch the following day. With that established, I ate dinner, finished some homework and took advantage of the opportunity to go to bed early.

  The following Wednesday after dance practice, I decided to throw a load of laundry into the washer while I studied.  When I picked up Bryce’s pants to empty the pockets, like normal, I found a dessert receipt – for two – at TGI Friday’s. No big deal except it was for Monday night at 11:00 p.m.! Bryce said he was at band practice.  Why did he lie? Wait a minute!  Who the hell was he with?

  I explained to Dr. Ellis that this became the first of many incidents that landed us in counseling with our pastor.  After telling the story, I was shaking with anger. Dr. Ellis and I continued to talk long after the session ended.  By the time I left it was 6:00 o’clock!  Traffic was bad and I was late for class. 

  Re-hashing our marriage put me in a funk! I had difficulty focusing on the instructor and by the time class was over I wanted to call Bryce and cuss his ass out!  But guess what…I couldn’t because he still refuses to give me his phone number.  I am stewing in my anger with no opportunity for release.  I desperately need sex!

 

March 17, 2000 – Living July 24, 2007

Filed under: divorce,healing,life,psychologist — bitterexwives @ 1:05 pm

  Parting wisdom from the mouth of Dr. Ellis: 

 “In the midst of emotional turmoil you need to maintain a sense of normalcy.  Your separation and divorce represent a significant change in your life – let that be the only major change. Even though it may be difficult, it is important that you continue to do the things that were a part of your normal routine.”

  With a renewed determination, I awoke a little earlier this morning with the sole purpose of outlining my “normal” routine. My focus for the last three almost four months following Bryce’s evacuation from our home has been on Bryce, our marriage, and Margo.  Today, I plan to focus on me – restoring my schedule and remembering the things I enjoy doing solely for me.

  My Schedule:

  1. Monday and Wednesday – Return to Dance Practice. Dancing and performing with my hip-hop dance troupe seemed trivial in light of my impending divorce. My love for dance had begun to wane when overcome with depression.
  2. Tuesday and Thursday – Attend classes regularly. Working on my Masters Degree had taken a back seat to working on my marriage.
  3. Friday – hang out with my girlfriends. I could barely get out of bed let alone motivate myself to get cute and go out to have fun.
  4. Saturday – Book Club. Reading is my passion – yet my lack of passion for life decreased the pleasure I had always known when reading a book.
  5. Sunday – Attend church service.  The one thing I had been able to continue doing, albeit grudgingly. I was embarrassed to go to church.  I didn’t want those gossiping ninnies to know that I couldn’t satisfy or keep a man nor could I deal with the incessant questions about Bryce.  They are so nosey – they bombard me with questions every time I walk through the door.  “Where’s Bryce?” “Is he going to be here today?” “We haven’t seen him in a while, is he okay?” Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah! No, I haven’t told anyone that we are separated and divorcing except my Pastor and best girlfriends.  Bryce and I attended faithfully before and during our marriage as well as participated in many church sponsored events – I just could not face them or the disappointment I knew they all felt when they saw me. I won’t get into details right now, but secretly I have been holding a grudge against God, because of this divorce.  As I am unable to deal with this moral dilemma, it goes back under the rug for a while.

  Now onto things I love to do:

  1. Dancing
  2. Writing
  3. Reading
  4. Spending time with God in meditation and prayer/praise and worship
  5. Spending time with my girlfriends
  6. Shopping

  With my lists completed, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. Instead of burdened, relieved. Starting Monday, I am going to try to live again – with or without Bryce.

 

March 16, 2000 (Evening) – Dr. Ellis July 23, 2007

Filed under: divorce,healing,life,psychologist — bitterexwives @ 6:29 pm

  Let’s just say that I kept my appointment with Dr. Ellis and I lived to tell about it. He is truly the nicest man; I think we were meant to be together – don’t get it twisted; I am talking from a professional perspective only. Even though I call Celeste and Abigail daily to moan and cry, rant and rave, and attempt to regain my sanity, I always feel like I am bothering them. I have been so whiny and down on men – those no good bastards, that if I were either Abigail or Celeste, even I would not want to talk to me. I need to do something nice for them; I’ll just catalog that for future ideas the next time I am at the mall.  However, Dr. Ellis is another story – he listened to me and I didn’t feel like I was getting on his nerves.

  When I walked into his office, 15 minutes early as requested by Dr. Ellis, I finally met Ms. Secretary/Receptionist. The office furnishings – leather furniture, dark wood trimming, plush burgundy carpet, impressed me, but I sure as hell didn’t like her. Why? I have unresolved issues.  I’ll try harder next time to be a bit nicer, unfortunately for her, I was just resentful that another person, a stranger, would be privy to my misery. I am still so embarrassed about the fact that I am getting divorced – I feel like a failure, therefore, the less people that need to know about by shortcomings, the better. While sitting in the waiting area, I tried to shrink inside myself every time the door opened to admit another patient. Dr. Ellis’s practice has three other psychologists. I didn’t realize this little fact when I made the appointment. Chances are I would have cancelled my appointment, if I had known. I would have died if someone recognized me, or God forbid asked me why I was there or who I was going to see.  The scandal! Fortunately, Dr. Ellis was on schedule and for one moment I liked Ms. Secretary/Receptionist because she ushered me out of the waiting area and into the sanctuary of his office.

  Once inside Dr. Ellis’ Office, I immediately felt at home amidst the bookshelf lined walls, comfortable furniture, and the thousands of books that protruded from every nook and cranny of the office.  There was even bric-a-brac placed throughout the office – not with a feminine flair but in more of an ‘I’m a man and not quite sure what I should do with this stuff’ kind of way. The lights were soft and I felt overwhelmed by the cozy yet slightly disheveled environment. Instantly I knew I would like him.

  Ms. Secretary/Receptionist directed me to sit wherever I felt most comfortable.  I decided on the overstuffed, brown leather chair, next to the end table with tissues. Just a premonition…but the best of all choices. Within minutes, Dr. Ellis entered. Surprisingly he was an older gentleman, approximately 20 years my senior, sitting in a wheelchair.  It was easy to see why he was so widely respected.  Dr. Ellis personafied a quiet intelligence yet peered through his glasses with the the kindest and most compassionate eyes. I was moved to tell him all of my problems – I wanted to share my deepest insecurities and greatest fears. Of course I didn’t, my reasons for being there were bad enough; I didn’t want to give him any reason to think I was a nut. 

  Once seated across from me, Dr. Ellis introduced himself and asked if we could begin our session with prayer. When I acknowledged in the affirmative, he took my hands, bowed his head, and began to pray…

“Father, we come before you on this day, asking that you make your presence known. Bring comfort to Angel now as she opens her heart to discuss the things that are burdening her. In Jesus’ name we pray…Amen.”

 I was stunned, perplexed, and dismayed. I was thankful for the prayer, but I was so angry – even though not in my nature, I wanted to curse and yell and scream! Was I now prohibited from doing so in the face of the “holy” man? Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!  Dr. Ellis must have seen the look on my face and the change in my demeanor, he quickly reassured me that the prayer was to bring comfort, wisdom, and peace – not to prohibit me from discussing whatever was on my heart.  Then he asked me why I had come to see him.

  For the first few minutes, I sat speechless.  All day I prepared mentally for this session – what I would say? How I would say it? etc., but when faced with the question, I didn’t know where to begin. So I blurted it out…

  “My husband, Bryce, left me.  He filed for divorce and moved away with another woman.  I desperately, want to save my marriage, but don’t know how.  For three months, I have walked around in a daze torn between wanting to kill him, crying over my pathetic life, and wanting to kill myself.  I am at the end of my rope and have exhausted everything that I know to do.  I am here because, I don’t trust anyone, let alone myself, to make decisions in my life. Honestly, I don’t think I can go on.”

  “WOW! You have a lot going on. With all that emotion pent up inside, I don’t know how, you managed to not cry.”

  “I don’t like crying in front of other people.  I don’t like to be weak.”

  “In order for you to heal you have to cry.  You will have to feel every emotion no matter how painful. Do you realize that out of the top 10 most stressful life events, you are suffering from number two – divorce and number three – marital seperation? The number one stressful life event is death of a spouse and because the death of a spouse and divorce have some common characteristics like, the ‘death’ of the relationship and seperation from the one you love, these two life events are often reversed based upon who you ask.”

  “So I am not crazy for being miserable?”

  “Not in the least bit. Actually, your thoughts and feelings are normal; however, we don’t want you to remain in this depressed state.  While your feelings may be normal it is not healthy for you to remain this way for an extended period. How often do you think about killing yourself?”

  “Whenever I think about Bryce making love to Margo.  Whenever, I think about the fact that I cannot do anything to make him love me.  Whenever, I acknowledge that our marriage is over.”

  “Are there any particular times of the day when your feelings are stronger than others?”

  “Yes, at night when I am alone.”

  “Angel, I have some recommendations for you…”

  It was then that we truly began to talk and I cried like a baby. But when I left Dr. Ellis’s office – two hours later, for the first time, I felt like I could make it through this ordeal.”

 

March 16, 2000 (Morning) – Motivation July 21, 2007

Filed under: divorce,life,psychologist — bitterexwives @ 4:05 pm

Mo-ti-va-tion (Noun)

  1. Giving of a reason to act – the act of giving somebody a reason or incentive to do something
  2. Enthusiasm – a feeling of interest or enthusiasm that makes somebody want to do something, or something that causes such a feeling
  3. Reason – a reason for doing something or behaving in some way
  4. Forces determining behavior – psychology the biological, emotional, cognitive, or social forces that activate and direct behavior

  Today is go have your head examined by a psychologist day. I don’t want to go. The very idea is tainting my perspective of the entire day.  It has made everything more difficult – getting out of bed, getting dressed, even combing my hair. Celeste and I prayed this morning – that was the only reason I was able to roll out of bed. Damn, if I thought I was miserable before, the misery has significantly magnified.

  If I am truthful with myself, I need help – I cannot continue to cry my way through each day.  It is becoming a nuisance.  This stupor that I am in that prohibits me from functioning at my normal capacity is simply awful.  Oh God, I am miserable and the thought of going to see Dr. Ellis and further exposing that misery is unbearable.  Exposing the depth of my pain may be the last straw.  If the floodgates open and I begin the cry, which I might add is inevitable, I will never stop.   I hate being this weak! I hate being this vulnerable! I hate being this needy! I hate having to share this side of me with anyone – not to mention I have to pay $100 dollars an hour to do it. 

  If I don’t receive something positive to motivate me, I don’t think I’ll leave my house, let alone follow through with my appointment to see Dr. Ellis.  Celeste was so encouraging this morning, but it wasn’t enough.  I have no enthusiasm for life or anything else for that matter.  Maybe Dr. Ellis can instruct me on how to get my old comfortable life back. I would pay more than $100 dollars an hour for that.

 

March 14, 2000 (Evening) – Scheduling Appointments July 19, 2007

Filed under: bitterness,divorce,healing,life,psychologist — bitterexwives @ 8:47 pm

  I decided to go into work today around Noon – having already lost my husband, losing my job as well was not an option. Food, shelter, and clothing are now my top priorities and not working  could pose a potential problem. During this time of separation, I know that I have not been a model employee – my ability to show up physically has become increasingly difficult. In addition, I probably show up mentally about 50 percent of the time.

  Sadly, I took a break mid-afternoon to call Dr. Ellis, a psychologist who was highly respected in the Indianapolis area. He seemed really nice, but the thought of spending an hour pouring out my anger, pain, and disappointment to a total stranger was not appealing.  Simply scheduling the appointment was embarrassing. I had no desire to share with the young and I am sure cute sounding receptionist/secretary with no problems that I had problems significant enough to require treatment from a psychologist.  Ms. Receptionist/Secretary efficiently scheduled an appointment for me on March 16th at 7:00 p.m.  Apparently Thursday’s are considered Dr. Ellis’s late night – how accommodating. I hate Bryce!

  The fact that I even need a psychologist is all his fault.  Up until three months ago, I was a happy woman.  We were building a home, buying timeshares, investing in rental property and my biological alarm clock was ringing.  Now I am alone, embarrassed by this turn of events, slightly homicidal, afraid of getting divorced, and not sure of who I am without my husband. As crazy as it may sound, I took pride in being defined as “Wife.” Now I am lost. I guess that is why I am going to see Dr. Ellis.

   In the meantime, between now and Thursday, it is my goal to focus on those things that I can control – ME. Tomorrow I plan to go shopping. I may be miserable, but I can look fabulous!