March 30, 2000 (Late Afternoon) – More Counseling August 17, 2007

  “Angel, how are you this evening?”

  “I’m okay Dr. Ellis, I guess. Still extremely pissed at Bryce for forcing me into this divorce situation.  I feel that he has wasted these last four years of my life – dating, engagement, and marriage.  Four years that I will never be able to reclaim.  I feel like a test dummy.”

  “Okay have you had any successes this week?”

  “Yes.  I haven’t thought about killing myself and I only cry about once a day.”

  “That’s good. Let’s start today by discussing…”

  Dammit! I cried again today while in counseling.  I said I wasn’t going to cry, but the harder I try not to, the easier the tears fill my eyes and spill over. Things are definitely getting better, but as much as I hate him, I cannot imagine not loving Bryce.  How do you turn your feelings off and on? I wish someone could tell me, because I have yet to master my emotional faucet.  Honestly, I do not believe that I am capable of deciding that I don’t love someone.  Tell you to “kiss my ass” and not like you anymore – absolutely! But to simply decide…”I don’t love you anymore.” – impossible.  My love runs too deep – I’m probably a borderline stalker. Maybe that’s why Bryce left me.

  As I left counseling this evening, with puffy red eyes and nasal congestion, I began to question myself.  Is it possible to love too hard? To love too much?  To give of oneself too completely?

  The best thing to do is table that train of thinking.  At this point in time, going to class is my top priority – Celeste and I can discuss later.

March 30, 2000 (Morning) – Insufficient Funds August 15, 2007

  This morning I awoke in a complete panic. Last night, between Arhaus and Macy’s I spent over $4000.00. Okay Angel…take deep cleansing breaths and relax.  Deep cleansing breaths…and relax.  One last time…deep cleansing breaths…and relax.

  It’s not so bad…everything was financed except the mattress.  I wrote a $350.00 dollar check for a fabulous, king sized, pillow top Serta mattress, which was a great deal.  To Macy’s chagrin and my surprise, the mattress was lost in inventory and recently found.  Originally $1100.00 dollars before taxes, I purchased the bed and paid for the delivery charges for the rock bottom price of $350.00 dollars. Unfortunately, I don’t have the money to cover the check.  Yes, that was a really bad move. No, I should not have written the check – I can see my checking account bouncing from here to Hong Kong and then being arrested for attempting to defraud a financial institution. Oh God, it’s time to pray.

  “Lord, if you are listening to me right now, I ask that you come to my rescue.  I know I wrote a bad check, please show me favor and move on the hearts of all my friends and family that I may have to call to beg for money.  Please God, let someone say yes to my request. I cannot afford to bounce a check.  Lord, I thank you in advance.  Amen.”

 Once I get to work, I’ll call my mom.  If I need to take an extended lunch to pull together the money and deposit it in my account, then so be it. This is yet another reason to hate Bryce.  I really cannot afford to lose my job because I am begging for money.  I already need to leave work early to go to my counseling session in order to make it to class on time.

  What else can I do?

March 29, 2000 – Another Call From the Church Elder

  Sometimes I think I am a hypochondriac.  Okay maybe that’s the wrong word…let’s try another word…clinically paranoid.  Is that even a medical term?  Who knows, my life, my thoughts, I’ll make up my own words. I know I am rambling incessantly – I can’t help it.

  All day I have teetered back and forth between feeling sexy now that my navel is pierced and worrying if I contracted some mysterious incurable disease from ACME, the place where I obtained the piercing. Better yet, I have alternated between contracting a disease to the more likely possibility that an infection is festering just under the surface of the skin.  Diligently, I have been following the instructions given to me by the “piercing experts,” but I still worry.  Even though it has only been 24 hours, washing and drying the piercing twice a day has already become an aggravation.  However, aggravation or not, my fear of the lockjaw overpowered the aggravation.

  That fear motivated me to call Dionne and gracefully bow out of dance practice tonight.  I kept envisioning one of the dancers accidentally kicking me in the stomach.  Or even better, while practicing the dance routine with the back over-the-shoulder roll, I could imagine all too clearly crashing into one of the other dancers and my navel ring tangled in someone’s hair.  I know it’s absurd, especially since I have never been kicked in any body part nor tangled in anyone’s hair, but my paranoia was overwhelming.  This led me to leaving work early, quickly putting on a baby tee exposing my new navel piercing, and heading straight to the mall. 

   Today was unseasonably warm.  The cute tee combine with a denim jacket gave me a funky yet comfortable look – perfect for shopping.  The first stop, Arhaus Furniture in Merchants Square. Since I was playing hooky from dance practice, I figured I should make the best of it.  My purchase list included bedroom furniture…yes I am still looking for new bedroom furniture, which pisses me off tremendously, and if I have time, more shirts that show off my navel ring.

  The highlight of my night…I found a bed that literally took my breath away.  An absolutely beautiful work of art, this bed was made of cream wrought iron with a filigree design on both the head and footboard. The filigree design contained an intricate pattern that alternated between swirls, circles, and flowers. I have never seen anything like it.  Considering my lack of readily available cash, I was thankful when the sales associate explained the one-year same-as-cash sales event. The stars were aligned in my favor – 20 minutes later, I was leaving Arhaus Furniture with a sales receipt in my purse and a delivery date scheduled for Saturday.  Darn! There goes shirt shopping I needed to find a mattress for my new king sized bed. 

  At Macy’s Furniture Gallery, I headed straight to the mattress section.  The last time I was here, I picked out the most decadent king-sized pillow top mattress.  Because I did not have a bed in mind, the need to purchase a new mattress was the least of my concerns.  The god’s were showing me favor, the mattress was on sale and available for delivery on Saturday. Then I saw it…a painted wood ensemble in the softest creamy white.  White is too harsh…the color of buttermilk is probably more accurate.  At that moment, I knew nothing else would satisfy my tastes; I had to have the dresser and chest of drawers as a compliment to the new wrought iron bed.  I was in love.  Within minutes, I had another one-year same-as-cash contract in hand and a third delivery scheduled for Saturday.

  I could not wait to get home and call Celeste. She knew how stressful furniture shopping was…not really knowing what my tastes were, anxiety over the idea of making a major purchase – alone, and even worse knowing that I was operating on such a tight budget that I would not be able to afford the type of bedroom furniture that took my breath away. The type of furniture I found today.

  For the first time in months, I was looking forward to going home and planning how I would decorate the rest of my bedroom.  The last few weeks I had been so angry with Bryce and the world at large that this brief moment of piece felt like a safe haven in the midst of a raging storm.  I was startled to find myself pulling in the driveway of the home I used to share with Bryce. Refusing to dwell on that thought, I grabbed the phone as soon as I shut and locked the front door to check my messages first prior to calling Celeste.

  “Hello, this message is for Angel.  Angel, this is Melodie, call me when you get in.” No big deal I thought, I’ll call Melodie quickly before I call Celeste. I figured whatever Melodie wanted, we could discuss in five minutes or less.  That is all I had the patience to give to serious conversation tonight – I wanted to laugh. 

  “Hello, may I speak to Melodie?”

  “This is she. Is this Angel?”

  “Yes, I hope it’s not too late, but I just received your message.  Is everything alright?”

  “Absolutely.  Actually, I wanted to talk to you about Terrence.  After our meeting last night, he really opened up and began talking to me about some personal issues that he is currently dealing with.  Have you talked to Terrence recently?”

  “Actually no. I had no idea that he was dealing with some personal issues.”

  “Well, I am not at liberty to discuss them, but I will say, if Terrence is willing to open up, you will be able to understand what he is going through.  Terrence really needs a friend right now.  A friend he can trust.”

  “Okay, I will call him.  Do you have his new number? ”

  “All I have is his pager number. I am sure if you leave him a message, Terrence will return your call.”

  After writing down Terrence’s pager number, we ended the call and I left Terrence a message on his pager. My curiosity was getting the best of me. I wonder what this could be about.

March 28, 2000 – A Call From the Church Elder August 8, 2007

    With all of the activities Bryce and I have participated in over the years, not receiving a phone call from someone at the church at least once every two weeks would be odd. Therefore, when I answered the phone around 8:00 o’clock this evening and heard the voice of Elder King on the other end, I was not surprised.

  “Good evening Angel.  How are you doing?”

  “Pretty good Melodie and yourself?”

  “Blessed Angel, truly blessed.  I was calling because I am on my way to a meeting with an old friend of yours, Terrence Powers.  Apparently, I have lost his number and I need to let him know that I am running late.  Do you have it?”

  “Wow, I haven’t talked to Terrence since he called the house looking for Bryce. Before then it had been almost a year. The only number I have in my phone book is 317-555-1212.”

  “That’s the same number I have and it is not in service. Is there anyone else you know who might have his number?”

  “Yes, actually the best person to call would be Jeremy and Julia Jamison they are god-parents for each other’s children. Do you have their number?”

  “Yes, I do.  I’ll give them a call.  Thanks for your help.”

  “Oh yeah, as a back up, you can also call Julia’s sister, Teresa.”

  “I have both of those numbers.  Thanks again!”

  I guess I was in the right place at the right time.  It actually is surprising that Melodie called me before Jeremy and Julia.  Bryce and I were never extremely close to Terrence and his wife, Angelina.  Actually, about six years ago (before Bryce and I were even married) the four of us attended a different church together and at times participated in the same activities.

  When Terrence was involved in a car accident, I volunteered the use of my car for a few weeks during the day while I was in college.  Terrence and his wife lived near the university and their work schedules were in harmony with my school schedule, which made this arrangement convenient for both of us.  Typically, I arrived on campus at 7:45 a.m. and departed around 5:30 p.m. – between classes and my job in resident assistance there was no need for me to leave.  Again… a product of being in the right place at the right time.

  Bryce actually had what I would classify as a good relationship with Terrence, but Angelina was aloof.  When using my vehicle she was very nice and we would talk in the evenings when they picked me up from work.  At one point I thought we were going to develop a close relationship, however, when they no longer needed transportation assistance, Angelina became very distant.   She never returned any of my phone calls or invited me to gatherings at their home or any of the things “friends” actually do.  Eventually, that time in my life faded into the background as I lost interest in one-sided relationships.
 
  A couple of years later, 1996 to be exact, after Bryce and I were married we were officially inducted into the “married couples club” at church.  We were invited to events that included Terrence and Angelina and we developed an acquaintance status.  They were a fun couple to spend time with; Angelina often became the life of the party with her practical jokes and Terrence found a competition in everything.  Nevertheless, Bryce and I always remained on the periphery of their lives.

  Almost one year later Bryce and I began attending a new church – the church that I attend today alone without Bryce. It seems as though I have seen Terrence and Angelina a maximum of four times since then. Which is why I am surprised that Melodie called me before Jeremy and Julia.  Hhmmm…

March 27, 2000 – Body Piercings August 7, 2007

  Just as promised Dionne met me at 7:00 p.m. in front of ACME. I never thought of myself as a snob or uppity, but I must admit that I was a little out of my element when I walked through the front door.  Never had I been surrounded by masses of people covered in tattoos and piercings. If it weren’t for Dionne’s recommendation, I probably would have fled the scene and called 911 to report possible suspects for all outstanding warrants for the city’s unsolved crimes. Yes, I know I am stereotyping, but I couldn’t help it considering I was on the verge of panic. Tonight’s motto…panic now ask for forgiveness later. 
  The girl at the counter was full of smiles and greeted Dionne as though they were the best of friends.  I wonder what Dionne does in her spare time when not dancing…If she hangs out at ACME on a regular basis, there is definitely more to her than meets the eye.  While Dionne waited in line to confirm MY appointment, I sat “reading” a picture book on outrageous tattoos. Nausea began to set in after viewing the second penis with multiple piercings as well as a woman with both nipples pierced.  If Dionne didn’t come back soon, she may turn around to find me missing in action.  Between the picture book, patrons, and employees I was seeing sights that previously were limited to National Geographic and PBS specials.
  The people, when combined with the surroundings created a surreal atmosphere.  Not only were the walls orange with random spurts of graffiti, they were littered with various black and white photos of guess what…more people with piercings.  The floor was black and scuffed by the apparent flow of traffic including mine and it hit me – I am getting ready to get my navel pierced.  Yes, the appointment has been made and yes, I am sitting quite uncomfortably on black leather-like furniture waiting for someone to call my name – but am I ready to proceed with this impulsive action? Absolutely!  I was so excited! Pick me! Pick me! I couldn’t wait!
  Before I knew it…Dionne returned, someone called my name and I was walking toward the piercing room on the right with a young woman named Buffy, Amber, or Cookie – I can’t remember which.  I didn’t know what to expect, however an examination table sure as hell wasn’t it.  Yet there I was lying on top of one with my shirt up under bright fluorescent lights.  Within minutes, Buffy, Heather, or Cookie…I still can’t remember was explaining the purpose of a myriad of highly sterilized surgical tools wrapped in vacuum-sealed plastic wrap. It was starting to get somewhat scary…I hadn’t anticipated outpatient surgery, just a minor piercing.  It was quite amazing! Heather, Cookie, or Penelope whipped out a pair of miniature tongs and clamped the flap of skin above my navel.  With one quick thrust, she pushed a large needle through my clamped skin and slid a miniature barbell with a ball on one end through the needle.  Before I could blink she removed the needle, attached the remaining ball and I was officially pierced.
  For a few minutes, I sat there in shock.  The piercing did not hurt; it just felt weird like my insides had been strung together through the middle of my body like a marionette. Then Heather, Penelope, or Rayne or whatever her name is asked if I was “okay,” ushered me off the table, and out to the front desk to collect my $48.00 dollars. The whole event was over in less than 10 minutes and Dionne was walking me to my car.  A drink would be nice right now, but due to my overactive imagination, I keep envisioning the liquid leaking through my belly.  Wow, I am so bizarre!