“Angel, how are you this evening?”
“I’m okay Dr. Ellis, I guess. Still extremely pissed at Bryce for forcing me into this divorce situation. I feel that he has wasted these last four years of my life – dating, engagement, and marriage. Four years that I will never be able to reclaim. I feel like a test dummy.”
“Okay have you had any successes this week?”
“Yes. I haven’t thought about killing myself and I only cry about once a day.”
“That’s good. Let’s start today by discussing…”
Dammit! I cried again today while in counseling. I said I wasn’t going to cry, but the harder I try not to, the easier the tears fill my eyes and spill over. Things are definitely getting better, but as much as I hate him, I cannot imagine not loving Bryce. How do you turn your feelings off and on? I wish someone could tell me, because I have yet to master my emotional faucet. Honestly, I do not believe that I am capable of deciding that I don’t love someone. Tell you to “kiss my ass” and not like you anymore – absolutely! But to simply decide…”I don’t love you anymore.” – impossible. My love runs too deep – I’m probably a borderline stalker. Maybe that’s why Bryce left me.
As I left counseling this evening, with puffy red eyes and nasal congestion, I began to question myself. Is it possible to love too hard? To love too much? To give of oneself too completely?
The best thing to do is table that train of thinking. At this point in time, going to class is my top priority – Celeste and I can discuss later.