I just arrived home from church. It is still difficult to go, but this morning when I awoke, I knew it was meant for me to go. For the first time in months, there was a sense of urgency within me to go to the house of the Lord for prayer, praise, and worship.
There has been an anger almost to the point of bitterness festering within me. I committed my life to God almost ten years ago. Has my life been perfect? No – but I have always tried my best to be the person that God has called me to be. That is why for years I participated in dance, Bible Studies, assisting with baptisms, assisting with prayer for others, working with the teenagers, participating in outreach programs, setting up and managing the church bookstore, and numerous other activities. During these last few months, I could not understand why God would allow this terrible thing to happen to me. Why me? Why did my husband cheat on me? Why did he lie to me? Why did he leave me? Why didn’t Bryce fight for me? I was angry that God refused to snap his fingers and immediately restore my life and marriage. There were many nights when I cried…DO SOMETHING GOD! Hurry up and make Bryce see how wrong he is. Make Bryce see how much I love and need him. Make him miserable without me!
While in prayer during service, I received my answer. I began to see things out of God’s eyes…The greatest gift God has given us was His Son, Jesus Christ. The second was free will. God always loves us, regardless of whether we love Him – we are simply given the choice to love Him in return. I realized that I am no more powerful than God. If God has given us the choice to love Him, who am I to think or even expect God to make Bryce love me. What made me think that I could force Bryce to love me? Even though God has the power, if He won’t use it to make us love Him why would He use it to make Bryce love me. While painful to acknowledge…I came to terms with the fact that not only did I have unrealistic expectations, I was being foolish.
Before leaving church, I released my anger and asked for forgiveness. For the first time in months, I experienced a sense of peace.