Everyday I awaken to the challenge of starting a new day. The birds are singing, but I am not happy. The sun is bright, yet I feel listless and dull. Everyone around me seems to receive the dawning of a new day as an opportunity to do or be something more. I awake each morning to a new hell. To be truthful with myself, I do not like feeling like this – I just cannot seem to overcome the anger that boils just under the surface and the emotional trauma that grips me like a vise throughout the day and night. I am unable to free my mind from the memories that filter through it like a slide show reminding me of the love I had but lost.
For past year, I have lived day in and day out in an imaginary world filled with hope. Never truly seeing the severity of my marital situation. I remember the subtle changes in Bryce – his lack of interest in sex being one. I was too ashamed to talk to my doctor or medical professional about our lack of intimacy. Bryce was very consistent with feeding me compliments, holding my hand or even affectionately kissing and hugging me; but the moment my body begged for more – a deeper kiss, a more aggressive touch, hardened nipples that begged for the touch of his lips; Bryce immediately shut down. I remember asking him…”Bryce, what’s wrong? Why did you stop?”
“Can’t I just be affectionate towards you without having sex?”
“Yes, but that seems like the only thing you want to do. Are you upset with me?”
“No, I’m just not in the mood.”
Week after week, this would go on until I started tracking our sexual encounters by the beginning of my menstrual cycle. I questioned him constantly about his lack of desire to no avail. For six months, we had sex once a month during the week prior to the start of my cycle. I was sexually frustrated and angry yet, I never thought we were having “serious” problems. I read in some magazine that sometimes married couples experience a decrease in their sex drive thus causing a decrease in sexual activity. Understandably, we were young, but it could just as easily happen to us as any older couple…right? My delusion increased and so did the distance between Bryce and I.
Looking back over the situation, I should have been alarmed, but I wasn’t. Even when Bryce began to deny me sex altogether, I really wanted to believe that we were just going through a difficult time. All married couples argue over sex don’t they? One night during the week before my menstrual cycle I crawled into bed with one singular motivation – fucking. Knowing the things he liked sexually, I activated my plan of attack. When did sex become so complicated?
Slowly I began kissing Bryce’s neck with the intent of working my way down to his chest and nipples. Immediately Bryce protested, “Stop Angel, I’m not in the mood.”
“C’mon Bryce, just let me please you. You don’t have to do anything.” Taking my hand, I stroked his stomach and began to tease the top of his pubic hair.
“Angel leave me alone. I am not in the mood.”
“Just relax Bryce; I can get you in the mood. Whether you start out in the mood doesn’t matter, it’s all about how you finish.” I started rubbing his inner thigh a little more aggressively. Just when I palmed his balls, Bryce began to raise his voice.
“I said leave me alone. Don’t touch me!”
“Bryce, I don’t know why you are protesting and pretending like you don’t like it. We both know you want me to suck you off.” Grabbing the shaft of his penis, I leaned over to take him in my mouth.
This time Bryce pushed me away…”I told you not to touch me!”
Flustered, horny, and determined to have my way, I grabbed Bryce to remove the rest of his clothes by force. He often slept in a t-shirt only so I figured this task couldn’t be that difficult. I wanted to fuck and I didn’t care what he thought.
It was as though Bryce knew my intentions and immediately pushed me across the bed and away from him. Stunned at his total rejection, I turned away and was unprepared for the kick in the back that sent me off the edge of the bed and onto the floor.
“Angel I said leave me alone. I do not want you to touch me. I don’t like or enjoy it when you touch me. You require too much work to obtain satisfaction and I have no desire to try.”
“We are married! Why have I been reduced to begging you for sex? What the hell is wrong with you? If you are not giving it to me, who are you giving it to?”
Of course, Bryce denied any allegations of infidelity. However, I partially blame myself. Why did I allow myself to be treated this way? Why did I allow myself to live in a world of delusion? I never sought help. I never asked for advice from an expert. Why?