March 17, 2000 – Living July 24, 2007

  Parting wisdom from the mouth of Dr. Ellis: 

 ”In the midst of emotional turmoil you need to maintain a sense of normalcy.  Your separation and divorce represent a significant change in your life – let that be the only major change. Even though it may be difficult, it is important that you continue to do the things that were a part of your normal routine.”

  With a renewed determination, I awoke a little earlier this morning with the sole purpose of outlining my “normal” routine. My focus for the last three almost four months following Bryce’s evacuation from our home has been on Bryce, our marriage, and Margo.  Today, I plan to focus on me – restoring my schedule and remembering the things I enjoy doing solely for me.

  My Schedule:

1. Monday and Wednesday – Return to Dance Practice. Dancing and performing with my hip-hop dance troupe seemed trivial in light of my impending divorce. My love for dance had begun to wane when overcome with depression.
2. Tuesday and Thursday – Attend classes regularly. Working on my Masters Degree had taken a back seat to working on my marriage.
3. Friday – hang out with my girlfriends. I could barely get out of bed let alone motivate myself to get cute and go out to have fun.
4. Saturday – Book Club. Reading is my passion – yet my lack of passion for life decreased the pleasure I had always known when reading a book.
5. Sunday – Attend church service.  The one thing I had been able to continue doing, albeit grudgingly. I was embarrassed to go to church.  I didn’t want those gossiping ninnies to know that I couldn’t satisfy or keep a man nor could I deal with the incessant questions about Bryce.  They are so nosey – they bombard me with questions every time I walk through the door.  “Where’s Bryce?” “Is he going to be here today?” “We haven’t seen him in a while, is he okay?” Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah! No, I haven’t told anyone that we are separated and divorcing except my Pastor and best girlfriends.  Bryce and I attended faithfully before and during our marriage as well as participated in many church sponsored events – I just could not face them or the disappointment I knew they all felt when they saw me. I won’t get into details right now, but secretly I have been holding a grudge against God, because of this divorce.  As I am unable to deal with this moral dilemma, it goes back under the rug for a while.

  Now onto things I love to do:

1. Dancing
2. Writing
3. Reading
4. Spending time with God in meditation and prayer/praise and worship
5. Spending time with my girlfriends
6. Shopping

  With my lists completed, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. Instead of burdened, relieved. Starting Monday, I am going to try to live again – with or without Bryce.

March 16, 2000 (Evening) – Dr. Ellis July 23, 2007

  Let’s just say that I kept my appointment with Dr. Ellis and I lived to tell about it. He is truly the nicest man; I think we were meant to be together – don’t get it twisted; I am talking from a professional perspective only. Even though I call Celeste and Abigail daily to moan and cry, rant and rave, and attempt to regain my sanity, I always feel like I am bothering them. I have been so whiny and down on men – those no good bastards, that if I were either Abigail or Celeste, even I would not want to talk to me. I need to do something nice for them; I’ll just catalog that for future ideas the next time I am at the mall.  However, Dr. Ellis is another story – he listened to me and I didn’t feel like I was getting on his nerves.

  When I walked into his office, 15 minutes early as requested by Dr. Ellis, I finally met Ms. Secretary/Receptionist. The office furnishings - leather furniture, dark wood trimming, plush burgundy carpet, impressed me, but I sure as hell didn’t like her. Why? I have unresolved issues.  I’ll try harder next time to be a bit nicer, unfortunately for her, I was just resentful that another person, a stranger, would be privy to my misery. I am still so embarrassed about the fact that I am getting divorced – I feel like a failure, therefore, the less people that need to know about by shortcomings, the better. While sitting in the waiting area, I tried to shrink inside myself every time the door opened to admit another patient. Dr. Ellis’s practice has three other psychologists. I didn’t realize this little fact when I made the appointment. Chances are I would have cancelled my appointment, if I had known. I would have died if someone recognized me, or God forbid asked me why I was there or who I was going to see.  The scandal! Fortunately, Dr. Ellis was on schedule and for one moment I liked Ms. Secretary/Receptionist because she ushered me out of the waiting area and into the sanctuary of his office.

  Once inside Dr. Ellis’ Office, I immediately felt at home amidst the bookshelf lined walls, comfortable furniture, and the thousands of books that protruded from every nook and cranny of the office.  There was even bric-a-brac placed throughout the office – not with a feminine flair but in more of an ‘I’m a man and not quite sure what I should do with this stuff’ kind of way. The lights were soft and I felt overwhelmed by the cozy yet slightly disheveled environment. Instantly I knew I would like him.

  Ms. Secretary/Receptionist directed me to sit wherever I felt most comfortable.  I decided on the overstuffed, brown leather chair, next to the end table with tissues. Just a premonition…but the best of all choices. Within minutes, Dr. Ellis entered. Surprisingly he was an older gentleman, approximately 20 years my senior, sitting in a wheelchair.  It was easy to see why he was so widely respected.  Dr. Ellis personafied a quiet intelligence yet peered through his glasses with the the kindest and most compassionate eyes. I was moved to tell him all of my problems – I wanted to share my deepest insecurities and greatest fears. Of course I didn’t, my reasons for being there were bad enough; I didn’t want to give him any reason to think I was a nut. 

  Once seated across from me, Dr. Ellis introduced himself and asked if we could begin our session with prayer. When I acknowledged in the affirmative, he took my hands, bowed his head, and began to pray…

“Father, we come before you on this day, asking that you make your presence known. Bring comfort to Angel now as she opens her heart to discuss the things that are burdening her. In Jesus’ name we pray…Amen.”

 I was stunned, perplexed, and dismayed. I was thankful for the prayer, but I was so angry – even though not in my nature, I wanted to curse and yell and scream! Was I now prohibited from doing so in the face of the “holy” man? Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!  Dr. Ellis must have seen the look on my face and the change in my demeanor, he quickly reassured me that the prayer was to bring comfort, wisdom, and peace – not to prohibit me from discussing whatever was on my heart.  Then he asked me why I had come to see him.

  For the first few minutes, I sat speechless.  All day I prepared mentally for this session – what I would say? How I would say it? etc., but when faced with the question, I didn’t know where to begin. So I blurted it out…

  “My husband, Bryce, left me.  He filed for divorce and moved away with another woman.  I desperately, want to save my marriage, but don’t know how.  For three months, I have walked around in a daze torn between wanting to kill him, crying over my pathetic life, and wanting to kill myself.  I am at the end of my rope and have exhausted everything that I know to do.  I am here because, I don’t trust anyone, let alone myself, to make decisions in my life. Honestly, I don’t think I can go on.”

  “WOW! You have a lot going on. With all that emotion pent up inside, I don’t know how, you managed to not cry.”

  “I don’t like crying in front of other people.  I don’t like to be weak.”

  “In order for you to heal you have to cry.  You will have to feel every emotion no matter how painful. Do you realize that out of the top 10 most stressful life events, you are suffering from number two – divorce and number three – marital seperation? The number one stressful life event is death of a spouse and because the death of a spouse and divorce have some common characteristics like, the ‘death’ of the relationship and seperation from the one you love, these two life events are often reversed based upon who you ask.”

  “So I am not crazy for being miserable?”

  “Not in the least bit. Actually, your thoughts and feelings are normal; however, we don’t want you to remain in this depressed state.  While your feelings may be normal it is not healthy for you to remain this way for an extended period. How often do you think about killing yourself?”

  “Whenever I think about Bryce making love to Margo.  Whenever, I think about the fact that I cannot do anything to make him love me.  Whenever, I acknowledge that our marriage is over.”

  “Are there any particular times of the day when your feelings are stronger than others?”

  “Yes, at night when I am alone.”

  “Angel, I have some recommendations for you…”

  It was then that we truly began to talk and I cried like a baby. But when I left Dr. Ellis’s office – two hours later, for the first time, I felt like I could make it through this ordeal.”

March 16, 2000 (Morning) – Motivation July 21, 2007

Mo-ti-va-tion (Noun)

1. Giving of a reason to act – the act of giving somebody a reason or incentive to do something
2. Enthusiasm – a feeling of interest or enthusiasm that makes somebody want to do something, or something that causes such a feeling
3. Reason – a reason for doing something or behaving in some way
4. Forces determining behavior – psychology the biological, emotional, cognitive, or social forces that activate and direct behavior

  Today is go have your head examined by a psychologist day. I don’t want to go. The very idea is tainting my perspective of the entire day.  It has made everything more difficult – getting out of bed, getting dressed, even combing my hair. Celeste and I prayed this morning – that was the only reason I was able to roll out of bed. Damn, if I thought I was miserable before, the misery has significantly magnified.

  If I am truthful with myself, I need help – I cannot continue to cry my way through each day.  It is becoming a nuisance.  This stupor that I am in that prohibits me from functioning at my normal capacity is simply awful.  Oh God, I am miserable and the thought of going to see Dr. Ellis and further exposing that misery is unbearable.  Exposing the depth of my pain may be the last straw.  If the floodgates open and I begin the cry, which I might add is inevitable, I will never stop.   I hate being this weak! I hate being this vulnerable! I hate being this needy! I hate having to share this side of me with anyone – not to mention I have to pay $100 dollars an hour to do it. 

  If I don’t receive something positive to motivate me, I don’t think I’ll leave my house, let alone follow through with my appointment to see Dr. Ellis.  Celeste was so encouraging this morning, but it wasn’t enough.  I have no enthusiasm for life or anything else for that matter.  Maybe Dr. Ellis can instruct me on how to get my old comfortable life back. I would pay more than $100 dollars an hour for that.

March 15, 2000 – Subtle Changes July 20, 2007

  Everyday I awaken to the challenge of starting a new day. The birds are singing, but I am not happy. The sun is bright, yet I feel listless and dull. Everyone around me seems to receive the dawning of a new day as an opportunity to do or be something more. I awake each morning to a new hell. To be truthful with myself, I do not like feeling like this – I just cannot seem to overcome the anger that boils just under the surface and the emotional trauma that grips me like a vise throughout the day and night. I am unable to free my mind from the memories that filter through it like a slide show reminding me of the love I had but lost.

  For past year, I have lived day in and day out in an imaginary world filled with hope. Never truly seeing the severity of my marital situation. I remember the subtle changes in Bryce – his lack of interest in sex being one. I was too ashamed to talk to my doctor or medical professional about our lack of intimacy. Bryce was very consistent with feeding me compliments, holding my hand or even affectionately kissing and hugging me; but the moment my body begged for more - a deeper kiss, a more aggressive touch, hardened nipples that begged for the touch of his lips; Bryce immediately shut down. I remember asking him…”Bryce, what’s wrong?  Why did you stop?”

  “Can’t I just be affectionate towards you without having sex?”

  “Yes, but that seems like the only thing you want to do.  Are you upset with me?”

  “No, I’m just not in the mood.”

  Week after week, this would go on until I started tracking our sexual encounters by the beginning of my menstrual cycle. I questioned him constantly about his lack of desire to no avail. For six months, we had sex once a month during the week prior to the start of my cycle.  I was sexually frustrated and angry yet, I never thought we were having “serious” problems.  I read in some magazine that sometimes married couples experience a decrease in their sex drive thus causing a decrease in sexual activity.  Understandably, we were young, but it could just as easily happen to us as any older couple…right? My delusion increased and so did the distance between Bryce and I.

  Looking back over the situation, I should have been alarmed, but I wasn’t.  Even when Bryce began to deny me sex altogether, I really wanted to believe that we were just going through a difficult time.  All married couples argue over sex don’t they? One night during the week before my menstrual cycle I crawled into bed with one singular motivation – fucking.  Knowing the things he liked sexually, I activated my plan of attack. When did sex become so complicated?

  Slowly I began kissing Bryce’s neck with the intent of working my way down to his chest and nipples.  Immediately Bryce protested, “Stop Angel, I’m not in the mood.”

  “C’mon Bryce, just let me please you.  You don’t have to do anything.” Taking my hand, I stroked his stomach and began to tease the top of his pubic hair.

  “Angel leave me alone. I am not in the mood.”

  “Just relax Bryce; I can get you in the mood. Whether you start out in the mood doesn’t matter, it’s all about how you finish.” I started rubbing his inner thigh a little more aggressively. Just when I palmed his balls, Bryce began to raise his voice.

  “I said leave me alone.  Don’t touch me!”

  “Bryce, I don’t know why you are protesting and pretending like you don’t like it. We both know you want me to suck you off.” Grabbing the shaft of his penis, I leaned over to take him in my mouth.

  This time Bryce pushed me away…”I told you not to touch me!”

  Flustered, horny, and determined to have my way, I grabbed Bryce to remove the rest of his clothes by force.  He often slept in a t-shirt only so I figured this task couldn’t be that difficult. I wanted to fuck and I didn’t care what he thought.

  It was as though Bryce knew my intentions and immediately pushed me across the bed and away from him. Stunned at his total rejection, I turned away and was unprepared for the kick in the back that sent me off the edge of the bed and onto the floor.

  “Angel I said leave me alone.  I do not want you to touch me.  I don’t like or enjoy it when you touch me.  You require too much work to obtain satisfaction and I have no desire to try.”

  “We are married! Why have I been reduced to begging you for sex? What the hell is wrong with you? If you are not giving it to me, who are you giving it to?”

  Of course, Bryce denied any allegations of infidelity. However, I partially blame myself. Why did I allow myself to be treated this way? Why did I allow myself to live in a world of delusion? I never sought help. I never asked for advice from an expert. Why?

March 14, 2000 (Evening) – Scheduling Appointments July 19, 2007

  I decided to go into work today around Noon – having already lost my husband, losing my job as well was not an option. Food, shelter, and clothing are now my top priorities and not working  could pose a potential problem. During this time of separation, I know that I have not been a model employee – my ability to show up physically has become increasingly difficult. In addition, I probably show up mentally about 50 percent of the time.

  Sadly, I took a break mid-afternoon to call Dr. Ellis, a psychologist who was highly respected in the Indianapolis area. He seemed really nice, but the thought of spending an hour pouring out my anger, pain, and disappointment to a total stranger was not appealing.  Simply scheduling the appointment was embarrassing. I had no desire to share with the young and I am sure cute sounding receptionist/secretary with no problems that I had problems significant enough to require treatment from a psychologist.  Ms. Receptionist/Secretary efficiently scheduled an appointment for me on March 16th at 7:00 p.m.  Apparently Thursday’s are considered Dr. Ellis’s late night – how accommodating. I hate Bryce!

  The fact that I even need a psychologist is all his fault.  Up until three months ago, I was a happy woman.  We were building a home, buying timeshares, investing in rental property and my biological alarm clock was ringing.  Now I am alone, embarrassed by this turn of events, slightly homicidal, afraid of getting divorced, and not sure of who I am without my husband. As crazy as it may sound, I took pride in being defined as “Wife.” Now I am lost. I guess that is why I am going to see Dr. Ellis.

   In the meantime, between now and Thursday, it is my goal to focus on those things that I can control – ME. Tomorrow I plan to go shopping. I may be miserable, but I can look fabulous!